>> what did you do then when you realized what had happened to your foot? >> i just went into survival mode. i went into, i've got to do something about this. i can't foot. >> she's a dance instructor. it's her passion, her life. and even if she was wheeled into the operating room, she remained optimistic. when she awoke, she remembers feeling her toes. >> when did you realize you didn't have your foot? >> i woke up and my parents were there and i hugged them and kissed them and said, mom, can you help me? i feel like my foot is falling asleep because it feels leak my ankle is falling off of the pillow and my foot is half on. and i realized now that was phantom pain because she looked at me and said you don't have a foot. your foot is gone and i just lost it. it's really hard to hear. >> you're determined to dance again? >> i am. yeah.

>> dancing is really important to you? >> it's so important to me. it's my life. >> you're incredibly optimistic. >> i try and stay on the positive side. i can eitr sy in bed and cry and be really upset and i do have moments of that or i can say i'm going to run the marathon next year and concur and be good. i mean, i would never let one of my students come in and say, oh, well, i can't do this anymore because i hurt my arm or i lost my leg or if they came in with a prosthetic i would say, i'll teach you. we can make it work. >> you want to run the wasn't next year. >> i do. i can't believe i said that. i'm only 32. i don't want this to be the end. so whether it's running the marathon or walking the marathon or crawling the marathon and being the last one across, i'm okay with that. i didn't say i would win it.

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today, boston is back in business and adrian is getting better. she'll have some challenges ahead, no doubt about it, not the least of which, making good on her promise to teach me how to dance. i'm anderson cooper. hello, everyone, and welcome to our special coverage of the white house correspondents' dinner. i'm don lemon. headlining tonight's event, well, of course president barack obama. along with comedian and tv late-night host conan o'brien,

with an audience of journalists and celebs. insiders jokingly refer to this event as the nerd prom. we'll be carrying the president and conan live. and you will not want to miss one minute of it. but before we get to all of that we have to remember that this year is a little different. this is a live look at the memorial in boston's copley square. it has been a difficult two weeks for too many americans in boston as well as in west texas. the president has been to both places in recent days, and we're going to see how those two tragic events are changing the tone tonight at the washington hilton. that's where we find our white house correspondent brianna keilar and entertainment correspondent nischelle turner. hollywood celebrities and political power players are gathering in the ballroom right behind you guys. so i want to start with you first, brianna. tell us about the tone in d.c. tonight, will you? >> i think, don, this is something that really does affect what you're going to see

here tonight. a lot of times this is an event that is very light. you have a lot of celebrities. it's this interesting collision with washington. but when we were talking with a lot of people on the red carpet, they were very much aware of the fact that there was a terrorist attack a couple of weeks ago. and i think that's really on the minds of people. i spoke with tracy morgan, the comedian, and he said, you know, "my condolences go out to these families." and it was very much on his mind. and a lot of them i think are expecting for this to be talked about during some of the comments. what's interesting is you also spoke, nischelle, with attorney general eric holder. >> yeah, i did. i talked to the attorney general, don, just about -- and i asked him point blank, is it okay for us to laugh now? is it okay for us to laugh tonight in and he said yeah, it is, but it's also important for us to keep in the back of our minds that we have been through a lot as a country in the past couple weeks and to recognize

that, but still to know that life does go on and life does move forward. so he felt like tonight was a good night to start that. and it's okay to have a little levity. so this should be interesting. >> and i noticed too as we were talking earlier, brianna, we asked, you know, the attorney general about a very serious subject, and he answered. but people, quite honestly, on social media were saying, hey, brianna keilar looks lovely, what kind of dress is she wearing tonight? but i think that people need a break a little bit. there's been so many serious things happening in the country. and we turn one eye toward that and we pay our respects, but also, we need to exhale for a minute, nischelle. don't you agree with that? >> yeah, i do. and i also agree that brianna keilar does look lovely tonight. >> as does nischelle. she looks beautiful. >> she definitely does. when i first saw her, i walked up and said, wow. >> oh, guys. >> we see you whouts the white house, but va va voom. >> one thing everybody on the red carpet said tonight, i don't know if they said the same thing to you, but the celebrities here and the politicians that were here said they do want to laugh tonight, they are ready for some levity and they do think it's going to be a fun and exciting night. people were excited.

>> they were excited. and i did hear that as well, don. obviously, this is something that's been on the minds of all americans and here in washington in the reaction to it and the fact that now this is an investigation. washington is very much involved in this. but we heard people saying, you know what, it's time for a little bit of a break and it's time to have -- to enjoy ourselves. >> can i talk to you about this, guys? because as i'm looking at the list that you guys sent over of the people who are there, gaby douglas. we saw sharon stone, psy, julia louis-dreyfus, amy poehler, rebel wilson, a bunch of -- patricia arquette, michael j. fox, on and on and on. matthew perry. they're out in force, nischelle. >> yes. absolutely. this definitely is a night when hollywood's a-list does come play with washington's politicians. and they were calling it hollywood east meets hollywood west. so a lot of people were saying this was their first time, which i was surprised at, don, because people like matthew perry saying they had never been here before

but then you have people like sharon stone who said, oh, yeah, i think this is my fourth or fifth time. but she came here with a purpose. she's been fighting the good fight for aids research for so many years, and she said, i use this as an opportunity to keep pushing that agenda. and also she said she came here to say thank you because she felt like that a lot of progress had been made. so there's a lot of a-list celebrities here tonight. you know, it's interesting, though, because the one person that i was so, so excited to meet was the guys from "duck dynasty." and i know we're going to talk to them a little later. i know. it's embarrassing. but i was so excited to meet the guys from "duck dynasty." and they did not disappoint. >> okay, ladies, so much to talk about. we're looking at live pictures now inside the dinner. and you see a list -- there's a list of bold-faced names that are showing up at this dinner. but i want to go back a little bit because i have to say, i loved it when president obama did the unexpected and pulled a fast one on the crowd last year. remember when he pretended to be overheard in the bathroom? >> could someone bath there

please turn off the president's mike? i think -- the president's mike is hot. please turn it off. thank you. thank you. >> great. i've got to get warmed up. ♪ i ♪ i'm so in love god, i totally had that. seriously, guys, what am i doing here? i'm the president of the united states, and i'm opening for jimmy kimmel? >> brianna keilar, you're our white house correspondent. you've been to a few of these events. take us behind the scenes as we look at these live pictures. do you know what inspires the president for these moments, for these events? >> well, a lot of what inspires the president is his staffers. what they do at the white house is his speech writers put out what's essentially an all call to folks all around the white house. there may be people that you would think you wouldn't know they're funny people. i've been told by speech writers by one of the former presidential aides, david axelrod is one of the people who

is their go-to to get some good jokes from. they'll get some jokes from him and run them by the president. but it's really his staffers who have such a role in coming up with some of these jokes. and don, tonight is really president obama's chance to get even. and keep this in mind, no one is safe. at the white house correspondents' dinner everyone is fair game. even the president's own cabinet. >> four years later she won't stop drunk-texting me from cartagena. >> reporter: political foes better watch out. in 2009 president obama took this jab at then house minority leader john boehner. >> after all, we have a lot in common. he is a person of color. although not a color that appears in the natural world. ♪ asked the girl what she wanted to be ♪ even pop stars make good targets. >> the jonas brothers are here.

they're out there somewhere. sasha and malia are huge fans. but boys, don't get any ideas. i have two words for you. predator drones. you will never see it coming. you think i'm joking. >> reporter: but just how far with can a president go? jon favreau is president obamas former speechwriter. >> these are really hard speeches to do because the really funny jokes you can't use. and then there's a whole bunch of jokes that just sound really cheesy because they're like typical politician jokes. is we're trying to get somewhere in between with the jokes that we write. >> reporter: it's generally safe for a president to take aim at himself. >> the state of hawaii released my official long-form birth certificate. tonight for the first time i am

releasing my official birth video. ♪ >> we came up with that. it had been right around the controversy over the birth certificate when it was flown in and trump was making all these crazy accusations. >> reporter: in preparation for the dinner there's an all-call for jokes at the white house. >> the speech writers at the white house reach out to the funniest people we know outside the white house. and we ask everyone for jokes. and we try to come up with jokes ourselves. usually, we just sit in the oval with him and he reads the jokes out loud. and as he's doing, that he makes edits, he makes some lines himself, comes up with some jokes. >> reporter: in an election year this podium can be a great political weapon. >> it's great to be here this

evening in the vast magnificent hilton ballroom, or what mitt romney would call a little fixer-upper. >> reporter: world events often intersect with the president's jokes. take this one in 2011. >> tim pawlenty. he seems all-american. but if you heard his real middle name, tim hosni pawlenty, what a shame. >> reporter: he was initially going to say tim osama pawlenty, but right before the dinner he changed his mind. >> we walk in, we go over the jokes of the president, and he looks at them all and he said, these are great jokes, like them all, there's one punchline i want to change. i think bin laden's been played out and we don't need to talk about him. >> played out? not exactly. he was about to become big news 37. >> bin laden is dead. the united states has the body. >> i had no idea why until the next day, when i find out that the general that the president was talking to was -- he was giving the orders to give the go-ahead on the operation to

pursue osama bin laden. >> interesting. >> so as you see, don, the news definitely dictates the tone here to some degree, and i think we're definitely expecting that to happen tonight, about two weeks after the bombings in boston. we expect president obama will acknowledge that. he will say of course that the families -- that they have our condolences. and i think you'll see him perhaps stay away from certain things in his jokes. and ultimately, though, i think we're going to have some really good laughs, too. because even ahead of when he was going after osama bin laden we saw some pretty funny jokes as well. and it is a chance i think, and politicians and the celebrities who are here, they think this is a chance to have a good laugh, and i think we'll see that. >> it's not just the jokes they tell, but it's also the ones they leave out that may be even more telling than the ones they tell. >> sure. >> as he said, the funniest ones they can't even say. >> stand by, ladies, because this year conan o'brien is headlining the correspondents' dinner. last year it was jimmy kimmel's turn, and some said he went a

little too far. we're going to let you decide. that's next. >> you know, president obama wanted to move the dinner to the kennedy center this year, but the republicans wanted to keep it here at the hilton. so they compromised. and here we are at the hilton. welcnew york state, where cutting taxes for families and businesses is our business. we've reduced taxes and lowered costs to save businesses more than two billion dollars to grow jobs, cut middle class income taxes to the lowest rate in sixty years, and we're creating tax free zones for business startups. the new new york is working creating tens of thousands of new businesses, and we're just getting started. to grow or start your business visit thenewny.com more... step! [ mom ] my little girl...she loves to help out on big jobs.

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welcome back, everyone, to our live coverage of the white house correspondents' dinner. we're going to take you live to the hilton in washington. nischelle turner is there, entertainment correspondent, as well as our brianna keilar, who's our white house correspondent. nischelle, you caught up with rebel wilson, who says she was personally invited by the first lady. what's the back story there? >> yeah, she was nervous and excited at the sam time. she said she got this wonderful letter from the first lady personally inviting her to the dinner tonight. and that's because she was supposed to be at the white house for another event a couple weeks ago but she had to host the mtv movie awards. and i said, how do you send regrets to the white house? and if you do, don't you feel like you're never going to get invited again? she did say yeah, at first she was kind of shaken up about it, but then she was very excited to get that letter. here's what she told me. >> because michelle obama sent me a personal letter like inviting me. so i'm quite excited about it, yeah. >> what did it say? >> it said -- because i was

supposed to go to something at the white house a couple of weeks ago, and i couldn't make it because i was doing the mtv movie awards. and she, you know, said, i hope to see you here this month. it was very nice. and i sent her a picture of our whole family in front of the white house, and she really appreciated that. >> now, i said to her, you know, what do you expect to see tonight in and she said, well, her boss, conan o'brien -- because you know, she works with him. is going to be the master of ceremonies. so she was really excited to hear what he had to say, but she said, i'm not sure if he's going to go there because you can't really say some things, you

know, you've got to keep them under wraps. i said well, you remember wanda sykes? she went there. who knows what conon brien's going to say? but i also caught one michael j. fox and you talked about some of the hollywood stars come to the white house correspondents' dinner with agendas, and definitely michael j. fox has been on the fight for finding a cure for parkinson's disease and he's a big proponent of stem cell research. so he said he was coming here tonight and he was going to talk to politicians about keeping that fight on the forefront. so listen to what he said. >> we've cleared past the things that weren't being done before. we're doing research on gene therapy, to regrow cells in the brain. and we're finding ways to -- to measure parkinson's progress before symptoms are in existence so that we can do research early on. a lot of breakthroughs that are kind of behind the scenes you have to do in order to take the next step. >> and again, this was michael j. fox's first time at the white house correspondents' dinner. you would think for someone that's been in the industry, brianna, for so long like he has that he'd been here a time or two before. but no. alex p. keaton, it's his first time here.

>> i'm glad you said it. >> that is surprising. >> i'm glad you said alex p. keaton because we all -- i have to say, i love him in "the good wife." his character in "the good wife" is amazing as well. >> and he's working on a new sitcom as well right now for nbc. so we should see him back on the screen again really soon. >> okay. lots to talk about. jimmy kimmel was the star attraction at last year's white house correspondents' dinner. it's always a delicate task making fun of the president when he's sitting just a few feet away from you. and as we wait for conan o'brien to take the stage tonight, let's check out kimmel's performance. >> but it's an honor to be here. he told me when i was a kid that i would be sitting on the same stage with president barack obama, i would have said, the president's name is barack obama? mr. president, you remember -- you remember when the country rallied around you in hopes of a better tomorrow? that was hilarious. that was your best one yet. but honestly, it's a thrill for me to be here with the president, a man who has i think done his best to guide us

through some very difficult times and paid a heavy price for it. you know, there's a term for guys like president obama. probably not two terms, but there is. even some of your fellow democrats think you're a pushover, mr. president. they would like to see you stick to your guns. and if you don't have any guns, they would like to see you ask eric holder to get some for you. jake tapper wrote that. it's kind of hard to be funny with the president of the united states sitting right next to you looking at you. and yet somehow day in, day out joe biden manages to do it. i wish he was here -- i wish he was here so he could sit behind me and fake clap like he does during the state of the union address. are you enjoying this? is this fun for you? this is the first meal he had in months. they say diplomacy is a matter

of carrots and sticks. and since mrs. obama got to the white house, so is dinner. you're very skinny. she doesn't let you eat. i felt weird about eating dessert. i left it untouched. i've never done that before. this is how you know this country's in bad shape. our president is starving. north korea is sending him food aid. >> very funny. so conan o'brien performed at this year's dinner in 1995. a lot of those jokes are still pretty funny. we'll dig up that tape next. >> i wasn't aware that -- this is true, i hear. when you attend a function with the president, the secret service puts you through an extensive background check. yeah. it's a little embarrassing, actually. it turns out technically i'm still a virgin. but -- thank you orville and wilbur... ...amelia... neil and buzz: for teaching us that you can't create the future...

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because you've always been customers we believe in. your energy plus ours. toere's no limit to what we can achieve. ah. welcome back, everyone. there's the crowd inside the washington hilton. this is cnn's special coverage of the white house correspondents' dinner. i want to bring in our nischelle turner, who is our entertainment correspondent and our resident white house correspondent brianna keilar. what's going on at the hilton? you guys are there. take us inside. >> yeah, we're home court. >> and you know what's interesting here, and we've heard celebrities say this, we've heard how is this different from other events, from hollywood events, and they say the security here is significantly advance compared

to what they're used to. >> just found that out. >> he sure did. just a moment ago behind us. >> yeah, absolutely. i think he was trying to go one way that he wasn't supposed to go that was blocked off and security -- >> who was it? >> matthew perry. chandler bing. of "friends" fame. >> chandler bing. >> yes. and he got intercepted and was told very nicely, curtly, you can't go that way, sir. but he's like wait, wait, wait, what's going on? it almost bake an issue. but it wasn't. and he went the right way. >> with humor. >> security's very tight. it was cute. it was funny. >> it's not just hollywood. you're talking about matthew perry. but there are big names there, even in sports. brianna, i understand you spoke with louisville cardinal basketball player kevin ware. >> that's right. he's actually a get of cnn's here at this dinner. we're so glad to have him. >> it was cool. >> and don, we were able to interview a number of people, but for me personally i will tell you this was the highlight for me. 20-year-old louisville sophomore was -- i mean is a basketball phenom but really became a bit of an icon when we saw him just have that very tragic break of

his leg last month during the game. louisville against duke. so i talked to him about what's ahead for him as far as basketball goes, but also what is he going to say to president obama, who is a big basketball fan? here's what he told me. >> kevin ware, how are feeling tonight? >> great. it's an honor to be here, honestly. i know it sparked a lot of people. this is definitely a privilege. i appreciate it. >> what everyone wants to know, having watched your horrible injury during the elite eight, they want to know how you're feeling. >> good. i'm putting pressure on my leg already. everything's really ahead of schedule. i'm four weeks in this sunday, and i feel like i'll be fine in six months for sure. i'll be back playing next season like nothing happened, honestly. i fell like this is just a wake-up call for me. god made this happen and he just wanted to show me something differently, wanted me to slow down a little bit, and that's all. but um fine. >> i have amazing perspective. and you're here tonight, this is

normally the nexus of hollywood and washington. you're sort of bringing the basketball, which i imagine president obama is pretty happy about as a big basketball fan. what do you think? >> i know obama picked indiana over us in the national championship. but like i said, this is definitely a privilege. i'm just really happy to be here. >> are you going to let him live that down, that he picked indiana over you? >> i have to tell him. >> so you're going to give him some flak for it. >> definitely. i'm going to give him some flak now and i'll give him some flak when we come back to visit him at the white house. >> that's right. you're going to have a couple of visits here. do you think this will be an interesting experience, being here with all of these different characters? >> definitely. because these people i've seen in movies, government, a lot of stuff like that. so seeing these people in person and meeting great people like this is really a privilege. >> oh, mr. president. >> so he's going to give the president a piece of his mind. >> i love it. >> don't you love it? >> i absolutely love it. that takes some guts. because i think most people would just be like hello, mr. president. but i believe him. >> and he's going to do it twice

because louisville will come to the white house because they won the championship. >> absolutely. and brianna, it's funny because we were talking about how there's a lot of celebrities here, there's a lot of politicians but like kevin ware who's kind of become this pop culture icon, there's a lot of pop culture representatives here as well and -- >> here we go. >> yes, i know. yes, don, i said it. i was excited to meet the "duck dynasty" family. i was excited to meet willie robertson. and i did meet him. but i wasn't the only one. my photographer jay was excited to meet him, too. i'm going to call him out. and here's what he told us about being a first-timer at the white house correspondents' dinner. >> and i love that you like party on top and business at the back. >> yeah, i'm kind of -- i kind of mix and match. put together things that fit. and whatever didn't we just scrambled last minute and we're here. this is very humbling to be here. watched this on tv. and to be able to be here, it's just crazy. i'm just here mostly for the food, you know, that's what i'm looking for first. >> and the jokes. >> no, it's my first time here. so i'm not going to -- i'm just here to listen and learn and see

what this is all about. >> i did ask him, do you have some sort of political agenda that you want to talk to people about? he said heck, no, i'm just here food, i want to be invited back, i want to bring uncle sy with me. i also talked to him because their season finale of "duck dynasty" gathered 9.3 million viewers. that's phenomenal. people really love this show. and he said, you know, it's just because we're regular people and we're funny. and they are. but i think like me there were a lot of people that were excited to see willie. >> i think so, too. it was a highlight. >> you know we joke about the old mullet like '80s hairdo. it wasn't even business in the front, party in the back. it was party all over. >> that was from zz top. >> party all over. >> just like tonight. >> exactly. >> oh, you guys are hilarious. this is great. listen, it's getting close, guys. the president will start speaking soon. >> all right. >> we'll bring his remarks to you live. but first, let's not leave former president george w. bush

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-free is good. -free is very good. [ male announcer ] now get 50% off brake pads and shoes at meineke. white house correspondents' dinner. our special coverage happening right now. you're looking inside the ballroom at the washington hilton. and only a handful of people were invited to this event, but we have your ticket to washington's most exclusive ballroom. again, this is cnn's special coverage of the white house correspondents' dinner. i'm don lemon. joining me are my buddies, who are there. nischelle turner and also brianna keilar standing by at the event. you know, 18 years later team coco is back in washington. conan o'brien rocked the house when president clinton was in office. he'll be back behind the mike in a few minutes. but first it's not just comedians who bring the laughs. presidents and first ladies are

part of the fun, too. >> and so the city slicker asked the old guy how to get to the nearest town and -- >> not that old joke. not again. [ cheers and applause ] i've been attending these dinners for years. and just quietly sitting there. well, i've got a few things i want to say for a change. george always says he's delighted to come to these press dinners. baloney. he's usually in bed by now. i'm not kidding. i said to him the other day, george, if you really want to end tyranny in the world, you're going to have to stay up later. but george and i are complete opposites. i'm quiet.

he's talkative. i'm introverted. he's extroverted. i can pronounce "nuclear." >> i love that name, condoleezza. it's so soulful. you know, she's very professional. but condoleezza. come on. right there. condoleezza. it's two people, though. you know the name is broken down into the connie. that's the person you see on television with, you know, the nice hair and very professional. then there's the leezza. she the one with her hair wrapped up on the phone with her girlfriend watching b.e.t., talking about "girl, ain't that usher fine?" connie's the one, you know, being very diplomatic in the meetings, you know, well, that's good. it's great we're all on the same pattern because at the end of the day, you know, freedom is

what we all want. daleezza come out and be like north korea say what? okay. all right. all right. hold my purse, mr. president. hold my purse. >> as you know, i always look forward to these dinners. it's just a bunch of media types. hollywood liberals, democrats like joe biden. how come i can't have dinner with the 36% of the people who like me? >> if i want to talk about some serious issues such as -- >> okay. here it comes. nuclear proliferation. nuclear proliferation. nuclear proliferation. >> nukular praliberation. ♪ sing a little song all about

the throng in wash ♪ ♪ tell a little joke and we're going to poke a lot of fun ♪ ♪ poke a lot of fun at washington ♪ >> i used to be tough. i'm not tough anymore, of course. i live in los angeles. i'm all lactose intolerant and into the kabbalah and everything. i travel the world adopting babies. i solve international crisis with my celebrity. stop war. the beautiful infidel is right. let us put down our weapons. what were we thinking? let us moisturize and text each other. >> the first black president. i know you're biracial. but the first black president. i mean, you're proud to be able to say that. you know, the first black president.

you know, well, that's unless you screw up. and then it's going to be what's up with the half-white guy, huh? the first lady, beautiful as always. you look very nice. and you know -- and how dare you people give her grief about baring her arms? the country is broke. all right? sleeves cost money. but you do need to keep your arms to yourself sometime. yeah. you know, you went over to london, touching the queen. you can't do that. you over there patting the queen on the back like she just slid into home plate. way to go, queen! >> as some of you heard, the state of hawaii released my official long-form birth certificate. but just in case there are any lingering questions, tonight i'm

prepared to go a step further. tonight for the first time i am releasing my official birth video. let's take a look. ♪ ♪ the circle of life >> these are my birth certificate jokes. so thank you for the timing on that, mr. president. now unusable. we were working on these jokes for months. one of my guys said, are you worried we're a little heavy on birth certificate jokes? what if he releases it before the dinner? and i was like, why would he do that? >> i also want to thank mr. mills, my tenth grade high school history teacher, who said i'd never amount to anything if i kept screwing around in class. mr. mills, i'm about to high-five the president of the united states. is that okay? eat it, mills.

thank you, everybody. >> very good stuff. you know, president obama going to take to the podium very soon there in washington. the chance to have some fun at the expense of his political opponents. coming up, some of mr. obama's best moments from last year's dinner as our special coverage continues. don't go anywhere. >> much has changed during my time in office. four years ago i was locked in a brutal primary battle with hillary clinton. four years later she won't stop drunk-texting me from cartagena. welcnew york state, where cutting taxes for families and businesses is our business. we've reduced taxes and lowered costs to save businesses more than two billion dollars to grow jobs, cut middle class income taxes to the lowest rate in sixty years, and we're creating tax free zones for business startups. the new new york is working

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well, he must have been a hit back in 1995 because conan o'brien is headlining the white house correspondents' dinner tonight for a second time. the host of "conan" on tbs was a boyish -- look at him. a 32-year-old when he first performed there 18 years ago. well, he'll take the stage again soon. so let's hear some of his routine with then president bill clinton looking on. >> i wasn't aware that -- this is true, i here. when you attend a function with the president, the secret service puts you through an extensive background check. yeah. it's a little embarrassing, actually. it turns out technically i'm still a virgin. but -- i went to the jefferson

memorial. and i was very inspired because carved in the beautiful marble on the walls of the jefferson memorial are some really inspiring sayings. listen to this. first one at the top, "i have sworn upon the altar of god eternal hostility against every form of tyranny over the mind of man." and then just below that, "i know but one code of morality for men, whether acting singly or collectively." and then way down at the bottom, carved in marble, it says, "p.s., if there's ever a movie about me, please don't cast nick nolte." some people say the president is going to have a tough race in '96. some say it's not going to be easy, it's going to be an uphill struggle. well, i speak for the 30 and under generation. and mr. president, i want you to know, you don't have to worry about us because we don't vote. finally, i have an announcement

for those of you watching tonight's event live on c-span. for god's sake, it's saturday night. come on. >> that was pretty funny. so -- and as we mentioned, conan girl vo: i'm pretty conservative. very logical thinker. (laughs) i'm telling you right now, the girl back at home would absolutely not have taken a zip line in the jungle. (screams) i'm really glad that girl stayed at home. vo: expedia helps 30 million travelers a month find what they're looking for. one traveler at a time. expedia. find yours. [ dog barking ] ♪ [ female announcer ] life is full of little tests,

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it shows. we don't run like that. we build john deere equipment the way we always have: the right way. times change. our principles don't. you don't just have our word on it. you've got our name on it. that's how we run. nothing runs like a deere. discover the full line of riding lawn equipment at johndeere.com/howwerun or your local dealer. welcome back, everyone, to our special coverage of our white house correspondents'

dinner. >> as a latina, she was interested in immigration reform. i talked to her about that. >> i think it's a very interesting night. i came last year and this year when they invited me i immediately said yes because, well, first of all, to be part of an event where the president of the united states is very important and for me, you know, i'm very honored to be here and it's a lot of fun. let's see how fun it is tonight. >> is there anything that is going on in washington that you're stickily interested in right now? >> i think there's many things. as latins we are becoming more

and more important for the vote so i think that's pretty important happening right now. >> if you see president obama, what are you going to say? >> hello, mr. president. >> i love it. >> and that is what is so funny. hello, mr. president. so many of them said, i don't know, i'd say hi. >> she is drop-dead gorgeous. like on a -- like in an old hollywood -- like a sophia loren. >> absolutely. that's a good comparison. i would say the male partygoers here this evening are very jealous of me. >> we'll be right back with our live coverage. don't go anywhere. changing the world is exhausting business.

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all right, everyone. the president was just introduced. we'll go there live. >> thank you. thank you, everybody. how do you like my new entrance music? rush limbaugh warned you about this. second term, baby. we're changing things around here a little bit. >> we're changing things around here a little bit. actually my advisers were a little worried about the new rap entrance music. they are a little more

traditional. they suggested that i should start with some jokes at my own expense. just take myself down a peg. i was like, guys, after 4 1/2 years, how many pegs are there left?" [ laughter ] >> i want to thank the white house correspondents. ed, you're doing an outstanding job. [ applause ] >> we are grateful for the great work you've done. to all the dignitaries who are here, everybody on the dais i especially want to say thank you to ray ordiano and all our men and women in uniform every single day. and of course, our extraordinary first lady, michelle obama. [ applause ] >> everybody loves michelle.

she's on the cover of "vogue" high poll numbers. but don't worry i recently got my own magazine cover. [ laughter ] look, i get it. these days i look in the mirror and i have to admit. i'm not the strapping young muslim socialist that i used to be. [ laughter ] time passes. you get a little gray. and yet, even after all this time i still make rookie mistakes. like i'm out in california we're at a fundraiser having a nice time. i happen to mention that pamela

harris is the best-looking attorney general in the country. as you might imagine, i got trouble when i got back home. who knew eric holder was so sensitive? [ applause ] and then there's the easter egg roll. which is supposed to be just a nice, fun event with the kids. i go out on the basketball court, took 22 shots, made two of them. that's right. two hits, 20 minutes. the executives at nbc asked, what's your secret? [cheers and applause ] [ laughter ]

so, yes, maybe i have lost a set. but some things are beyond my control. for example, this whole controversy about jay-z going to cuba. it's unbelievable. i've gotten 99 problems and now jay-z's one. [ applause ] that's another rap reference. don't. [ laughter ] of course, everybody's got plenty of advice. maureen dowd said i could solve all my problems if i were just more like michael douglas in the american pueblo. and i know michael's here tonight. michael, what's your secret, man? could it be that you were an actor in an aaron sorkin liberal fantasy? might that have something to do

with it? i don't know. check in with me. maybe there is something else. anyway, i recognize that this job can take a toll on you. i understand second term, need a burst of new energy, try some new things, and then my team and i talked about it. we were willing to try anything. so we borrowed one of michelle's tricks. [ laughter ] >> i thought this looked pretty good. [ laughter ] but no bounce. anyway, i want to give a shout

out to our headliner, conan o'brien. [ applause ] >> i was just talking to ed, and i understand that when the correspondents association were considering conan for this gig, they were faced with that age-old dilemma, do you offer it to him now or wait for five years and then give it to jimmy fallon? that was a little harsh. i love conan. and of course, the white house press corps is here. i know cnn has taken some knocks lately. the fact is, i admire their commitment to cover all sides of the story, just in case one of them happens to be accurate.

[ laughter ] >> my former advisers have switched over to the dark side, for example, david axelrod now works for msnbc, which is a nice change of pace and msnbc used to work for david axelrod. [ laughter ] the history channel is not here. i guess they were embarrassed about the whole obama is a devil thing. [ laughter ] of course, that never kept fox news from showing up. [ laughter ] they actually thought the comparison was not fair to satan. [ laughter ]

but the problem is that the media landscape is changing so rapidly. you can't keep up with it. i mean, i remember when buzz feed was something that i did in college around 2:00 a.m. [ laughter ] it's true. recently, though, i found a new favorite source for political news. these guys are great. i think everybody here should check it out. they tell it like it is. it's called whitehouse.gov. i cannot get enough of it. fact is, i really do respect the press. i recognize that the press and i have different jobs to do. my job is to be president, your job is to keep me humble. frankly, i think i'm doing my job better.

[ laughter ] part of the problem is, everybody is so cynical. i mean, we're constantly feeding cynicism, suspicion, conspiracies. you remember a few months ago my administration put out a photograph of me going skeat shooting at camp david? do you remember that? and quite a number of people insisted that this had been photoshopped. but tonight i have something to confess. you were right. guys, can we show them the actual photo? [ laughter ] >> we were just trying to tone it down a little bit. [ laughter ]

>> that was an awesome day. there are other new players in the media landscape as well, like super pacs. did you know that sheldon adelson spent $100 million of his own money last year on negative ads? he's got to really dislike me. to spend that kind of money. i mean, that's oprah money. you could buy an island and call it nobama for that kind of money [ laughter ] sheldon would have been better off offering me $100 million to drop out of the race. i probably wouldn't have taken it. but i'd have thought about it. michelle would have taken it.

you think i'm joking. i know republicans are still sorting out what happened in 2012, but one thing they all agree on, they need to do a better job reaching out to minorities. and look, call me self-centered, but i can think of one minority they could start with. hello? think of me as a trial run, you know? see how it goes. if they won't come to me, i will come to them. recently i had dinner, that's been well publicized. i had a dinner with a number of

republican senators. i admit it wasn't easy. i proposed a toast. it died in committee. of course, even after i've done all of this, some folks still don't think i've spent enough time with congress. why don't you get a drink with mitch mcconnell, they ask. really? why don't you get a drink with mitch mcconnell? i'm sorry. i get frustrated sometimes. i am not giving up. in fact, i am taking my charm offensive on the road. a texas barbecue with ted cruz,

bluegrass concert and book burning with michele bachmann. my charm offensive has helped me learn some interesting things about what's going on in congress. it turns out, absolutely nothing. but the point of my charm offensive is simple, we need to make progress on some important issues. take the sequester. the republicans wanted this thing and now they can't stop talking about how much they hate it. it's like we're trapped in a taylor swift album. one senator who has reached

across the aisle recently is marco rubio but i don't know about 2016. i mean, the guy hasn't even finished a single term in the senate and he thinks he's ready to be president. kids these days. i, on the other happened, have ran my last campaign. on thursday, as ed mentioned, i went to the opening of the bush presidential library in dallas. it was a wonderful event and that inspired me to get started on my own legacy, which will actually begin by building another edifice right next to the bush library. can we show that, please? i'm also hard at work on plans

for the obama library and some have suggested that we put it in my birth place but i'd rather keep it in the united states. did anybody not see that joke coming? a show of hands. only gallup, maybe dick morris. now, speaking of presidents and their legacies, i want to acknowledge a wonderful friend, steven spielberg and daniel day-lewis who are here tonight. we had a screening of their most recent film "lincoln" which was an extraordinary film. i am a little nervous, though, about steven's next project. i saw a behind the scenes look on hbo. well, let's just check it out. roll the tape.

>> well, i was thrilled that "lincoln" was a success. and as i was thinking about what to do next, in the middle of the night i woke up and it hit me. "obama" the guy's already a lame duck so why wait? picking the right actor to play obama, that was the challenge. i mean, who is obama really? we don't know. we never got his transcripts. and they say he's kind of aloof. so i needed someone who could dive in and really become barack obama. and as it turns out, the answer was right in front of me all along. daniel day-lewis. he becomes his characters. hawkeye from "last the mohicans" and abraham lynn bincoln in "lincoln." >> was it hard playing obama? i'll be honest it was. it took awhile. hello, ohio. hello, ohio. how have you been? look. look.

let me be clear about this. you wouldn't believe how long it takes to put these ears on in the morning. >> once we had daniel to play obama, we had to get the rest of the team. i think we've got pretty terrific performances. >> working with a legend like daniel is intimidating. but he makes everybody better. without him i never could have played joe biden. hi, i'm joe biden. >> the hardest part? trying to understand his motivations. why did he pursue health care first? what makes him tick? why doesn't he get mad? if i were him i'd be mad all the time. but i'm not him. i'm daniel day-lewis.

[ applause ] well, it's a remarkable transformation. do i really sound like that though, honey? well -- groucho marx once said -- senator cruz that's groucho marx, not carl. he once told an audience, "before i speak i have something important to say." and along those same lines i want to close on a more serious note. obviously there's been no shortage of news to cover over these past few weeks. and these have been some very hard days for too many of our citizens. even as we gather here tonight, our thoughts are not far from the people of boston and the people of west, texas. there are families in the midwest who are coping with some

terrible floods. so we've had some difficult days. but even when the days seem darkest, we have seen humanity shine at its brightest. we've seen first responders and national guardsmen who dashed into danger. law enforcement officers who lived their oath to serve and to protect. and everyday americans who are opening their homes and their hearts to perfect strangers. and we also saw journalists at their best, especially those who took the time to wade upstream through the torrent of digital rumors to chase down leads and verify facts and painstakingly put the pieces together to inform and to educate and tell stories that demanded to be told. if anyone wonders for example whether newspapers are a thing of the past all you needed to do

was to pick up or logon to papers like "the boston globe. "when their communities and the wider world needed them most, they were there, making sense of events that might at first blush seem beyond our comprehension. and that's what great journalism is, and that's what great journalists do. and that's why, for example, pete williams' new nickname around the nbc news room is "big papi." and in these past few weeks, as i've got a chance to meet many of the first responders and the police officers and volunteers who raced to help when hardship hits, i was reminded, as i'm always reminded when i meet our men and women in uniform,

whether they are in war theater or here back at home or at walter reed, bethesda, i'm reminded that all these folks, they don't do it to be honored. they don't do it to be celebrated. they do it because they love their families and they love their neighborhoods and they love their country. and so these men and women should inspire all of us in this room to live up to those same standards, to be worthy of their trust, to do our jobs with the same fidelity and the same integrity and the same sense of purpose and the same love of country. because if we're only focused on profits or ratings or polls, then we're contributing to the cynicism that so many people feel right now.

and so -- those of us in this room tonight, we are incredibly lucky. and the fact is, we can do better. all of us. those of us in public office, those of us in the press, those who produce entertainment for our kids, those with power, those with influence. all of us including myself, we can strive to value those things that i suspect led most of us to do the work that we do in the first place. because we believed in something that was true. and we believed in service and the idea that we can have a lasting, positive impact on the lives of the people around us. and that's our obligation. that's a task we should gladly embrace on behalf of all those folks who are counting on us. on behalf of this country that's given us so much. so thank you all to the white

house correspondents for the great work you do. god bless you all. may god bless the united states of america. [ applause ] >> thank you, mr. president. without further adieu, i'd like to introduce mr. conan o'brien. [ applause ] >> thank you. thank you! thank you. please remain seated. that's not necessary. thank you very much. please, mr. president. don't stand. that wouldn't be right. good evening. thank you. mr. president, mrs. obama, distinguished members of the

press and bon jovi. yes. it's an honor to share this stage with the president. when you think about it, the president and i are a lot alike. we both went to harvard. we both have two children. and we both told joe biden we didn't have extra tickets for tonight's event. we also have something else in common like the president i too recently got in some hot water by talking about a public official's good looks. it was the time i wouldn't shut up about that stone cold fox, secretary of transportation ray lahood. oh, man, i like the cut of his jib. but president obama, he had some great jokes. it was a pleasure watching you stand up here and do what i do. so now it's only fair that i get to do what you do. that's right, ladies and gentlemen, for the next 15 minutes i'll be mired in a tense, dysfunctional standoff with congress. this is going to be fun. now right away i'd like to formally congratulate the president on his re-election.

congratulations. as you all know, the president is hard at work creating jobs. since he was first elected the number of popes has doubled. and the number of "tonight show" hosts has tripled. congratulations! and while i'm at it, i'd like to congratulation george w. bush on this week's dedication of his presidential library. yes, the library has millions of books, articles and documents. and if you go you can be the first to read them. you can't hurt me. now ladies and gentlemen, let's get going. right here at the start i'm

going to share something with you people. and this doesn't leave this room. i say this with absolute confidence because we're on c-span. who doesn't love c-span? seriously. c-span. it's an entire channel shot with the backup camera on a ford employer explore explorer. congratulations to c-span for winning the bid to broadcast this event. they narrowly beat out hgtvq, tv south america and the hilton hotel how to check out channel. that's right, the hilton. it's great to be here at the hilton. is it just me or is it time to stop using price line to book this event? no, i love the hilton. i really love the hilton's motto. "sorry the radisson was booked." you know, i was worried that because of this sequester we would be forced to hold this event at a less prestigious hotel than the d.c. hilton. then i was told that's not possible. but i do want to thank the

hilton for accommodating us. they were kind enough to reschedule a cash for gold seminar. by the way, for those of you here for the cash for gold seminar, that's been moved to salon b on the mezzanine. and if joe biden asks, there are no extra tickets for that, either. quick announcement before we really get going, before we continue, if any of you are live tweeting this event, please use the #incapable of living in the moment. yeah. yes. yes. also, to any u.s. senators here tonight, if you'd like to switch either your desserts or your position on gay marriage, please signal a waiter. by the way, speaking of dinner, tonight's on trace were halibut and filet mignon. or as john king reported it, lasagne and cous cous. there's a gavel here and i don't

know why. here's a fun fact about tonight's food. everything you ate this evening was personally shot by wayne lapierre. don't worry. it was during a home invasion, though. the fish came in through the window. that wasn't peppercorn, that was bush shot, ladies and gentlemen. incidentally you may not know this but wayne lapierre is the executive vice president of the nra. which begs the question, how freaking crazy do you have to be to be the actual president of the nra? he's not even at the top. also, i'd like to acknowledge that earlier this evening there was some confusion with the seating charts. for a moment, someone actually sat governor chris christie with the republicans. that was awkward and i

apologize. very awkward. but speaking before dinner, i worked the crowd, shook some hands and sold my twitter account to al jazeera for $500. they will be buy anything. but it is an absolute joy to be here at the white house correspondents' dinner. last year tom brokaw criticized this event for having too many a-list actors and celebrities. when i told him i'd be attending this year, said, that's more like it. that shouldn't be funny to you. but this really is star-studded event. this year you've taken it to new heights. i have to congratulate you. new heights. because you've got some of the stars from "duck dynasty" here. that means the guys from

"storage wars" said no. no, i love "duck dynasty," don't get me wrong. but guys, i don't think your whistle is really going to -- ee oh, my god. it works. he's here. now, some of you will know this is my second time speaking at this event. i was here last year 18 years ago, 1995. a lot has changed since then. today you can get real-time information on world events something small enough to fit in the palm of your happened. back in 1995, we called that george stephanopoulos. i can't see if george is here because there's a crouton in the way. >> it's amazing to think how much our country has changed in 18 years. think about it. if in 1995 you'd told me that in 2013 we'd have an african-american president with a middle name hussein who was

just re-elected to a second term in a sluggish economy, i would have said, oh, he must have run against mitt romney. [ laughter ] by the way, no offense, mr. president. i do congratulate you on your victory. but as a late night comedian i was kind of pulling for the rich guy whose horse danced in the olympics. [ laughter ] the demographics of this country have been rapidly changing over the past two decades, and i look forward to hosting this event 18 years from now. then my opening line will be "buenos noches." [ speaking in spanish ] especialamente mario lopez. but my prior experience has

taught me how these dinners work. if the president laughs, everyone laughs. and if the fox news table laughs, a little girl just fell off her bike. how you doing, bill? yes, all the washington news media here tonight, including the stars of online journalism, i see the huffington post has a table. yeah. which has me wondering if you're who are here, who's covering miley cyrus' latest nip slips? who's assembling today's top 25 yogurt-related tweets? seven mistakes you're making with bacon. that's a real one and you should be ashamed of yourself. by the way, just before dinner i tried to say a quick hello to ariana huffington but she made me watch a 30-second ad first.

yes, a lot of online stars are in the room, but unfortunately matt drudge couldn't make it. yeah, he had a prior commitment to teach a web design class in 1997. of course, the washington print media is joining us this evening for two very good reasons. food and shelter. you know -- how are you? you know, some people say print media is dying but i don't believe it. and never does my blacksmith. [ laughter ] you got to meet zachariah, he's great. "newsweek" after 80 years published its last print issue. "time" magazine meeting gloating

but they really shouldn't because time wit outlive "newsweek" the way juliet outlived romeo. read the play. it's very smart. things are so tough for old media that reuters is having its after party right here at the hilton because nothing says we're having a great year like having your after party at the same table where you just had dinner. with that in mind, reuters is asking everyone here to leave a little wine at the bottom of their glass. [ laughter ] and to be fair, print media still has a big star in bob woodward, okay? got to give it up for bob woodward. yeah. yeah. earlier this evening a waiter asked mr. woodward if he wanted regular or decaf and he said, stop threatening me. tonight, some of the big names in television news, when it

comes to television news we have a divided media landscape. fox news is watched by conservatives. cnn is watched by the people who clean the offices at cnn. msnbc is watched by liberals. cnn's ratings are so low, now when the logo comes up james earl monroe jones says "you're watching cnn?" what the hell? i have to say in the past few years, cnn has made some very odd moves. for example, they replaced the popular larry king with one of the scheming footmen from down ton abby. piers rides right into that show. it's great to see my old friend at msnbc. chris matthews is here. he has the only show where the commercial exists just so they can wipe the spittle off the

lens. by the way, during the boston coverage on msnbc last week, chuck todd stopped a pundit from speculating on unverified information. there's no joke here. i'm just letting the people at cnn know that you can do that. this is a learning experience. hello to fox news star bill o'reilley. he's become quite the author. he's had two recent bestsellers "killing kennedy" and "killing lincoln." he had one that was not so popular "the peaceful death of cats." what were you thinking? the truth is, bill o'reilley is now working on his next book out this fall. this time it's about the killing of jesus. it will be the first time in history jesus's death is blamed on obama care. two quick shoutouts to pbs and npr. now pbs, yes. those pbs people love to party. guys if you party tonight be safe.

wear a tote bag. it works. you've got to love npr. npr's still the number one source for news delivered as if there's a toddler sleeping in the next room. shhh. nbc news is in the house. good lord, they've had a rough go of it, huh? the "today" show let go of ann curry after being told ann curry said let me get this straight. al roker tells the world he crapped his pants at the white house and i'm getting fired? al's the reason there are no more tours at the white house. they're still hosing it down. brian williams is here. brian i'm a big fan of your show. "rock center with brian williams." imagine brian delivering the evening news on a different floor of the building a little

later with a slightly different tie. it's a mind blower. you've got to check it out. but as i look around the room and i see all the media here tonight i realize this is all just one big high school cafeteria. think about it. fox is the jocks. msnbc is the nerds. bloggers are the goths. npr is the table for kids with peanut allergies. [ laughter ] al jazeera is the weird foreign exchange student nobody talks to. and print media, i didn't forget you. you're the poor kid who died sophomore year in a car crash. yeah. cheer up. we dedicate the yearbook to you of course, probably the biggest story that people in this room covered this past year was the republican failure to recapture the white house. hard to believe the republicans didn't fare better in the

election with the support of celebrities like ted nugent and meatloaf. i guess they overestimated the number of voters who still drive carpeted vans. but the republican party is on the mend. one rising star on the right is senator marco rubio. or as he's known in the republican party, our black guy. yeah. by the way, as of today the u.s. senate has a record number of african-american senators, two. two. in other words, there are now more african-americans in the senate than in a mumford and sons concert. thank you, younger people. paul ryan, "i don't understand. what's he babbling about?

who is this man?" paul ryan recently, he really burst through last year when he ran for vice president. after the election ryan said president obama was re-elected because of the high turnout of urban voters. then when he was asked just how he liked his coffee ryan said, no milk, no sugar, just urban. well, there's rnc chairman reince priebus. you heard me correctly. his name is reince priebus. tonight he's sitting right in between his brothers, lather priebus and repeat priebus. [ laughter ] house majority leader eric cantor is here. or as i like to refer to him, yet another jewish republican

from the south. gets old. that reminds me, also joining us is a congressman from new york named steve israel. that's right, he's from new york and his name is israel. now, there's pandering and then there's pandering. that's like having a congressman from south carolina named jesus h. gun. my name's gun. jesus h. gun. yeah. you've got to use this thing. it's fantastic! i only used it once! i mentioned republican governor chris christie earlier. chris christie and shaquille o'neal are sitting at the same dinner table. so let's give it up for the real unsung hero tonight, their waiter. that poor bastard. he's going to lose an arm. i believe we have one or two

supreme court justices here. the supreme court seems divided over same-sex marriage. the liberal justices favor it while the conservatives oppose. any lifelong sacred union between two men unless of course it's anthony scalia and clarence thomas. what the hell was that? no surprise that speak john boehner isn't here tonight. speaker boehner and president obama are still struggling to get along. president obama and john boehner are kind of like a blind date between anderson cooper and rachel maddow. in theory, they understand each other's positions, but deep down you know nothing's ever going to happen. [ applause ] speaking of nothing happening,

we're all hoping, of course, that nothing happens with north korea. and that got me wondering, what is with kim jong-un? now, in the past, we've had really scary enemies like suddam hussein and hitler. now all of a sudden our nemesis is like a pouty teenage boy who dresses like rosie o'donnell at the emmys. kim jong-un doesn't understand that we aren't afraid of him. what that guy doesn't get is that we already have an unstable peninsula that will ultimately bring down america. it's called florida. yes, it is. yes, president obama has a lot on his plate right now. he's now at that very nice stage where there are no more secrets left to come out about him. we all know that as a child he lived in indonesia. he studied at a muslim seminary and occasionally ate dog. so clearly from the beginning he was a kid who had his eyes set

on the u.s. presidency. check, check, and check. here i come. now, i know the relationship between the president and the press can seem a bit strange at times. some in this room have accused the president of being distant and aloof. when i asked the president about it earlier he said "oh," and then walked away. of course, it's only natural but mr. president your re-election was a little less exciting the first time around in 2008. on election night in 2008 you celebrated with hundreds of thousands of people in chicago's grant park. it was fascinating. this time around you split a charred dog with david axelrod at the wiener circle. it just didn't have the same buzz. and by the way, i have a question. and i think some of you also have this question. it's been several months since you were re-elected, sir. so i'm curious, why are you still sending everyone five e-mails a day asking for more money?

you won. do you have a gambling problem we don't know about? did you put it all on gonzaga? you did, didn't you? he did. president obama has already made a lot of changes in his second term. sir, ug you recently appointed john kerry and chuck hagel. very smart move. you appointed the only two people in the united states who look even more tired than you. it's a great strategy. mr. president, you're going to leave office as a very young man. and yet the presidency has taken its toll. i don't want to alarm you, sir, but you're starting to look like a judge on "law and order." [ laughter ] >> just say you're on thin ice, counselor. you could have that part right away. seriously, mr. president, your hair is so white it could be a member of your cabinet. he can handle it. he recently picked his new

treasury secretary jack lew. it gives me great joy to know if the president ever has to let him go he'll get to say "it's not lew, it's me." the quote i hear about the president is that he's always the coolest guy in the room. that's what everyone says, he's the coolest guy in the room. here's my question. who else is in that room? it's not hard to be a cool one when the other guys in the room are biden, hagel, and kerry. i'd be cool if i was showing steven shu how to do the harlem shake. now i've made some jokes about the president this evening. and i'm looking forward to my audit. it's coming. i know, sir, it's coming. but i would like to take a moment here and change gears and say something to the president regarding the events of the past

two weeks. some of you may not know this. i grew up in boston. my parents still live there. and my brother luke raised his family in watertown. i'd like to take this opportunity to thank you, mr. president, for visiting that great city and helping its people begin to heal with your inspiring words. it made a huge difference. [ applause ] it's been said recently that you don't mess with boston. as someone who grew up there i'd like to echo that sentiment. it's really pretty simple. if you're going to pick on a city, don't choose one where nine out of ten people are related to a cop. don't do it. it's stupid. and that includes myself. i have one more thing to mention before i go. everyone's obsessed with washington these days. you all saw how you went crazy for house of cards. homeland. and of course this event tonight. hollywood can't get enough of your world.

well, tonight i'm excited to announce that turner broadcasting is going to make a major television miniseries about the big power players here in washington. they just finished the casting and i would like to announce who is going to play. this is big. vice president joe biden is going to be played by bob barker and former white house adviser david axelrod will be played by higgins from "magnum p.i." this was also produced by steven spielberg, by the way. representative paul ryan will be played by mr. bean. senator chuck schumer will be played by grandpa munster.

senator harry reid will be played by the old man from the american got thick painting. fox news ceo roger ales will be played by boss hogg. we've signed the deal. speaker of the house john boehner will be played by tan mom. secretary of homeland security janet napolitano will be played by paul giamatti. former white house chief of staff and chicago mayor rahm emanuel will be played by suey from "family guy." secretary of state john kerry will be played by an easter

island head. i cannot tell those two apart. supreme court chief justice john roberts will be played by buzz light year. senator mitch mcconnell will be played by dame edna. cnn anchor wolf blitzer will be played by a furbie. nra executive vice president wayne lapierre will be played by the face melt guy from "raiders of the lost arc." and press secretary jay carnie will be played by ralphy from "a christmas story." ladies and gentlemen, this is a huge honor. thank you very much.

[ applause ] >> there you have it, everyone. always a treat every single year. it's time where hollywood and washington take jabs at each other. the president very funny tonight and there was conan o'brien who was the headliner tonight at the white house correspondents' dinner in washington. we thank you for watching. that's our coverage. have a great evening. good night. ♪ [ dog barking ] ♪ [ female announcer ] life is full of little tests, but your basic paper towel can handle them. especially if that towel is bounty basic. the towel that's 50% stronger. in this lab demo even just one select-a-size sheet of bounty basic is stronger than one full sheet of the leading bargain brand.

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